How to Deal When You’re Dancing With an Ex
Breakups are difficult enough on their own, but when the split involves co-workers, things can be even trickier, especially if your job requires you to work closely—and even physically—with a former significant other. The dance world is small, and it’s not uncommon for artists in the same companies to become romantically involved. Unfortunately, not every relationship works out. While breakups are highly individual, and every person processes theirs differently, there are measures dancers can take to protect their mental and emotional health and minimize discomfort in the workplace.
Love at Work
Between sharing studios, dressing rooms, and even each other’s weight onstage, performing artists are constantly in each other’s personal space, says Nicole Perry, a certified intimacy director and coordinator and co-founder of the resource organization Intimacy Direction in Dance. If trust is compromised as part of a breakup, “that can make it really hard to do your job confidently,” she says.
Spencer Everett, a member of Missouri’s Saint Louis Dance Theatre and a former Ailey II dancer, had an on-again, off-again relationship with a fellow second company member. “As dancers, we have crazy schedules. And often our social and dating circles are our only circles,” he says. “It can get complicated easily.”
Katy*, a ballet dancer based in New York City who wished to remain anonymous, experienced a breakup with a fellow dancer in a project-based company. Initially, she avoided her ex, even faking being sick or traveling out of town, but eventually they were paired together to rehearse a pas de deux. “I remember feeling such a strong chemistry with him,” says Katy, “but also trying not to change my mind about things. It was a strange feeling.”
Lisa D. Long, a former modern dancer and current professor at California State University, Fullerton, found that dancing with her ex felt natural, if not always easy. “We had a successful partnership before we were a couple,” says Long, “so we still had that physical trust and nonverbal communication—shared breath, shared heartbeat. It was truly bittersweet, and painful at times.”
Sharing the News
Part of a work breakup inevitably involves communicating with leadership and other dancers. When Katy’s company tours, couples are assigned to share rooms. “The artistic director always becomes aware of who’s together,” she says, explaining that those couples are often cast in pairs, as well. “I was stressed when my partner and I broke up, because the director was always putting us together. I felt that to have the space I needed, I had to tell her.”
Long hours of rehearsals with co-workers can exacerbate already complex feelings after a breakup. If the split involves another artist of the company, “that can be devastating on a whole other level,” says Long. Both Everett and Katy note that company members often feel obligated to take sides. “It made things worse,” says Katy. “After the breakup, my partner felt he didn’t have anyone in the company who supported him. It made him want to quit.”
There can also be a desire to hurry back to the former status quo. “You feel a pressure to your co-workers to get over it as fast as possible,” says Everett. “But healing is going to take as much time as it takes, regardless of how fast you try to push it.”
Coping Strategies
Perry notes that because dancers are highly attuned to changes in their bodies, the intense emotions surrounding a breakup can be especially difficult. And yet, an elevated heart rate or shortness of breath doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re still harboring feelings. “Our bodies are complex, but they also do things out of routine,” says Perry. “There’s a bit of that muscle memory/nervous system memory that your body has to unlearn.”
Feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment are always challenging to navigate in a work environment. Taking time to notice emotions can help shift to a more observational response rather than a reactive one. “Give yourself some time to process your feelings rather than judging them,” says Perry. However, if you feel that your or your partner’s safety could be compromised for any reason, let leadership know and seek help immediately.
Keeping things professional is essential, even in a workplace that emphasizes expressivity. “We’re constantly tapping into our emotions to tell a story,” Perry says. “That mindset of ‘I’m at work now’ is really important.”
Setting boundaries might involve being up front about needing to avoid communication outside of clarifying choreography or other work-related conversations. Perry suggests dancers intentionally frame their ex as a co-worker. “For your own peace of mind, you can say: ‘I don’t like this. But I am a professional, and this is what I need in this professional space,’ ” says Perry.
Everett found that distancing himself from his ex post-breakup was a helpful coping tool. “You’ll have relapses where you see that person had a hard day, and you want to ask if they’re okay,” he says. “But they have people there for them. You’re not that person anymore. Make sure you’re okay first.”
To help process their emotions outside of the studio, Everett and Long both journaled and spoke with their loved ones. Redeveloping a sense of normalcy at work was also important: “I kept my routine in place, and it became my routine again,” says Everett. “Not ours.”
So You Think You Can Date
Should you become romantically involved with a fellow dancer? Spencer Everett recommends thinking about whether you’re ready for a workplace relationship before you start anything. “It seems intriguing. It feels good,” he says. “But you have to ask what is actually good for you.”
If you decide to proceed, consider how you will prioritize work: “The day we got together, we promised each other that no matter what happened between us, the work would come first,” says Lisa D. Long. “After we broke up, when rehearsals were really awkward or challenging—and they were—we remained committed to the craft. Honor the work, respect the studio space, and be mindful that your actions will affect the entire company.”
But enjoy the ride, she says. “Enjoy all of it—the good times and the bad, and put every bit of what you learn into your art.”
*Name has been changed.
